Habitual.

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2011-12-26T14:21:00.000-08:00

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2011-11-24T17:40:00.000-08:00

"I HAD TO SHIT IN A BOX
IN BIRKENHEAD THIS MORNING.
THE BOX SAID SALFORD ON IT
AND I LEFT IT THERE."

A FRIEND.

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2011-10-11T18:38:00.001-07:00

GAG.

SHE WAS ONE OF THOSE GIRLS WHO LIKED TO SEE HOW FAR SHE COULD GO, YOU KNOW. SHE LIKED TO SEE HOW MUCH SHE COULD TAKE. SHE WAS INTO DEEP THROATING. THIS DIDN’T BOTHER ME, AS I CAN IMAGINE IT WOULDN’T BOTHER MOST MEN. ONE NIGHT WE WERE FOOLING AROUND AND SHE STARTED TO GO DOWN ON ME. IT FELT GOOD. HER EYES BULGED IN HER HEAD AS SHE LOOKED UP AT ME AND SPIT RAN DOWN FROM THE CORNERS OF HER MOUTH. I FELT HER TONGUE TENSE UP AND HEARD THE LITTLE GAGGING NOISE AS SHE WENT FURTHER. IT FELT GOOD. SHE SCRUNCHED UP THE SKIN ON MY STOMACH WITH HER LEFT HAND AND HELD MY BALLS WITH HER RIGHT. THEN SUDDENLY SHE STARTED TO JERK A BIT AND THE LITTLE GAGGING NOISE TURNED INTO MORE OF A BURP. SHE PULLED BACK AND I FELL OUT OF HER MOUTH, FOLLOWED BY A BIG SPURT OF VOMIT. SHE HAD PUSHED TOO FAR. SHE HAD VOMITED ON MY PENIS. I LOOKED DOWN AT THE MESS COVERING MY MANHOOD. I LOOKED AT HER. WE SPENT A COUPLE OF MOMENTS LOOKING TO AND FROM EACH OTHER AND MY SICK COVERED DICK. JUST AS I WAS ABOUT TO TRY AND SAY SOMETHING, GOD KNOWS WHAT…”OH DEAR” PERHAPS, SHE HOISTED HERSELF UP WITH HER ARMS AND CLIMBED ON TOP OF ME. WE HAD SEX. AFTERWARDS, THERE WAS NO VOMIT ON MY PENIS. IT MUST HAVE ALL BEEN INSIDE HER, BACK WHERE IT BELONGED. IT WAS THE MOST ENJOYABLE WAY TO CLEAN UP SICK I HAD EVER EXPERIENCED. IT FELT GOOD.

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2011-09-01T11:27:00.000-07:00

THANK YOU MY BEAUTIFUL JULIA,

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2011-03-09T07:35:00.000-08:00

marge minge.

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2011-03-09T07:24:00.000-08:00

Nice photo of me and mim from naked exhibition
taken by the lovely Nicola Payne x

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2011-02-04T06:48:00.001-08:00

THANKYOU MIRIAM.

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2011-02-04T06:47:00.000-08:00

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2011-01-30T09:41:00.000-08:00

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2011-01-30T09:38:00.001-08:00

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2010-11-14T14:31:00.000-08:00

COME ON BOYS AND GIRLS!!

CHECK OUT THE EVENT, BANDS AND DJS HERE

AND THANK DYLAN HUGHES
FOR THE BEAUTIFUL POSTER HERE
AND, OF COURSE, COME ALONG!
IT'S GONNA BE AMAZING.
AND IT'S CHEAP DE?
X

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2010-08-16T07:21:00.001-07:00

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2010-08-16T07:19:00.000-07:00

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2010-08-16T07:08:00.000-07:00

GIRLS THAT I MAY ONE DAY MEET.

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2010-07-20T15:58:00.000-07:00

NO WOMB
OFFICIAL PHOTO SHOOT...

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2010-04-30T07:52:00.000-07:00

NO WOMB ZINE PAGES.
MORE TO COME...

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2010-04-06T15:48:00.000-07:00

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2010-03-15T12:55:00.000-07:00

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2010-03-15T12:47:00.001-07:00

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2010-03-11T16:20:00.000-08:00

AND MY FAVOURITE PART OF THE BERLIN TRIP; THE EROTO SHOP.
AMAZING WOMAN.
I DO HAVE HER NAME AND DETAILS
BUT CAN'T REMEMBER WHERE THEY ARE.
WHEN I FIND THEM I'LL LET YOU KNOW.
SHE WAS FUCKING GORGEOUS.

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2010-03-11T14:59:00.000-08:00

FROM BERLIN, FINALLY, WITH LOVE.

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2010-03-11T14:31:00.000-08:00

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2010-03-11T14:28:00.000-08:00

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2010-03-04T15:11:00.001-08:00

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2010-03-04T11:41:00.001-08:00

THE HOUSE OF DREAMS.
SORRY FOR THE BAD PHOTOS.
GO SEE IT FOR YOURSELF.

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2010-03-04T11:26:00.000-08:00

IRMA VEP AT THE LUMINAIRE.
DIDN'T MANAGE TO GET ANY PHOTOS OF XIU XIU
AS I WAS TOO OVERWHELMED BY HOW
SHIT THEY WERE.

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2010-02-23T12:52:00.000-08:00

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2010-02-23T12:41:00.000-08:00

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2010-02-22T16:59:00.000-08:00

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2010-02-01T09:16:00.001-08:00

DID THIS PHOTO SHOOT A WHILE AGO.
THESE ARE LONG OVERDUE.
THANK YOU TO BRONTE, ASHLEIGH AND EMMY.

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2010-02-01T07:49:00.000-08:00

FOOD,
WITH HELP FROM A GOOD FRIEND NAMED PAUL.

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2009-11-25T11:24:00.000-08:00

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2009-11-25T11:20:00.001-08:00

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2009-11-10T14:18:00.001-08:00

An excuse to throw eggs at people

disguised as an art project/ IRMA VEP photoshoot.

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2009-11-10T11:54:00.001-08:00

COMFORTABLE ON A TIGHTROPE

PULLED OFF A SHIT HOT NIGHT ON MONDAY.

YES, A MONDAY NIGHT.

THIS IS WHAT IT LOOKED LIKE.

KLAUS KINSKI

SILK FLOWERS

FOOT VILLAGE

THANKS LADS.

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2009-10-21T14:53:00.000-07:00

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2009-09-18T15:00:00.000-07:00

S,A.
SHE KNOWS
SHE KNOWS
SHE KNOWS
SHE KNOWS
SHE KNOWS
AND HER NOSE
IS LIKE NOTHING I'VE EVER SEEN
IT'S PERFECT
SHE'S PERFECT
OH AND SHE IS
SHE FEELS LIKE
SHE KNOWS
SHE KNOWS
SHE KNOWS
SHE KNOWS
SHE KNOWS
AND I DON'T KNOW HOW I SHOULD APOLOGISE
HOW WOULD SHE WANT ME TO?
HOW WOULD SHE WANT ME?
HOW WAS IT FOR YOU?

TIME TO GET YOU OUT OF MY HEAD.

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2009-09-18T14:46:00.000-07:00

I JUST CAN'T STAND YOU BIRD PEOPLE. YOU MAKE ME SO ANGRY WITH YOUR LITTLE FACES. WITH YOUR LITTLE FACES. YOUR LITTLE BIRD FACES. YOU CAN'T EVEN WALK. YOU CAN'T EVEN TALK. YOU CAN'T EVEN DO A LITTLE BIRD WALK. YOU CAN'T EVEN TALK. YOU CAN'T EVEN BIRD SPEAK TO ME. YOU CAN'T EVEN FUCK. YOU CAN'T EVEN FUCK. YOU FUCKING CAN'T EVEN FUCK WITH YOUR BIRD FACE. I JUST WANNA TAKE YOUR BIRD WINGS AND I WANNA RIP THOSE FUCKING WINGS OUT OF YOUR BODY AND THEN I'M GONNA. THEN I'M GONNA SHRED THOSE WINGS AND I'LL SHRED YOUR BIRD LEGS AND I'LL FEED THOSE WINGS AND THOSE LEGS TO YOU AND YOU WON'T MOVE. YOU'LL STAY STILL. OH AND I'LL GET YOU A CAGE AND YOU'LL LIVE IN YOUR CAGE AND YOU'LL SHIT AND YOU'LL PISS AND THAT'S ALL YOU EVER DO ANYWAY. ALL I GET FROM YOU IS SHIT AND PISS. BIRD SHIT AND BIRD PISS. ALL YOU GIVE ME IS SHIT. ALL I GET IS FUCKING BULL BIRD SHIT. AND YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO. I'M GONNA FEED YOU THAT FUCKING SHIT. I'LL FEED YOU THAT SHIT AND YOU'LL TASTE IT AND YOUR LITTLE BIRD TONGUE WON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. AND I'LL TAKE YOUR BIRD WINGS AND YOUR BIRD LEGS AND I'LL LAUGH.

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2009-09-17T15:02:00.000-07:00

SLEEP, AND DREAM OF LOVE,
BECAUSE IT'S THE CLOSEST YOU WILL GET TO LOVE.

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2009-09-04T16:52:00.000-07:00

MEET EDWON.

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2009-08-08T04:38:00.002-07:00

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2009-08-08T04:38:00.001-07:00

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2009-08-08T04:37:00.000-07:00

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2009-08-08T04:36:00.000-07:00

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2009-07-27T16:16:00.000-07:00

For some, quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night. And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills it's victims. It's called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones. The walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space!

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2009-07-15T07:58:00.001-07:00

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2009-07-15T07:57:00.001-07:00

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2009-07-15T07:53:00.000-07:00

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2009-07-15T07:51:00.001-07:00

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2009-07-15T07:50:00.001-07:00

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2009-07-07T15:18:00.000-07:00

Why has everyone chosen to forget that Michael Jackson molested young boys?

Funny.

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2009-06-26T17:11:00.000-07:00

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2009-06-20T09:31:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I think and I panic and my thoughts turn into shouting and everything in my head shouts. This can last for hours, days. A song stuck in my head will scream at me. It is so loud. It is scary and I can't stop it. Usually I have to sleep straight away to get rid of it. But sleeping is hard. It is considerably harder when it is so loud. I am thinking but I cannot hear my thoughts because they deafen me. It has happened to me every now and then since i can remember. It is strange. Is it happening to anyone else?

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2009-06-20T08:02:00.002-07:00

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2009-06-20T08:02:00.001-07:00

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2009-06-20T07:58:00.002-07:00

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2009-06-20T07:58:00.001-07:00

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2009-06-20T07:55:00.000-07:00

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2009-06-20T07:52:00.000-07:00

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2009-06-20T07:51:00.000-07:00

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2009-06-20T07:38:00.000-07:00

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2009-06-11T17:18:00.000-07:00

An infection is the detrimental colonization of a host organism by a foreign species. In an infection, the infecting organism seeks to utilize the host's resources to multiply, usually at the expense of the host. The infecting organism, or pathogen, interferes with the normal functioning of the host and can lead to chronic wounds, gangrene, loss of an infected limb, and even death. The host's response to infection is inflammation. Colloquially, a pathogen is usually considered a microscopic organism though the definition is broader, including parasites, fungi, viruses, prions and viroids. A symbiosis between parasite and host, whereby the relationship is beneficial for the former but detrimental to the latter, is characterised as parasitism.

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2009-06-11T17:09:00.000-07:00

Who do I fucking think I am? That's the thing, I think I am nobody so why do I make other people think I think I am somebody? Why do I give a shit? Everyone is shit whether I am something or nothing. What can I be? I have nothing left. Nothing to show. Nothing to be, do, shit, piss, kick myself in the fucking head, in the guts. Oh i'm so good at it I kick and kick and I kick and oh it hurts and oh do I know it. Do I say do I do I do I go on and on and on about it. I can't stop. I can't stop i'm intoxicated I love it. Oh self deprecation and pity what would I do without you? What would I be? I'd be nothing, am I not already? Will this end? Will I ever stop asking questions that no one can hear and no one can answer?

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2009-06-08T18:57:00.000-07:00

Equinophobia is a psychological fear of horses, derived from the Phobos for fear and Equus for horses. Sufferers of Equinophobia usually experience an anxiety of approaching horses.

Equinophobics usually begin such feelings at a young age, either:
-Falling off a horse while riding
-Being bitten by a horse at a young age
-Meeting a horse for the first time that turns out to be aggressive

Even in cases where horses are relatively tame, Equinophobics will avoid any form of contact with horses or stables. Another less common, but linguistically superior, word for Equinophobia is Hippophobia.

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2009-06-02T17:27:00.000-07:00

get up.

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2009-06-02T17:25:00.001-07:00

I hate people that read while walking. I saw TWO different people doing it today. What. They can't see where they're going, they bump into people, they are incredibly slow and are always unfortunately fat and/or ugly and are always reading shit books. I kind of hate birds I think, I've been toying with this for a few years. I feel like I don't want to hate them but I know that deep down, I really, really do. I hate everything about them. I also hate people that look slightly like birds. I hate their birds faces. I want to rip out their fucking bird wings and break their bird legs and snap their dirty little bird beaks. I hate people who pronounce the word 'scone' as 'scon', it makes me want to smack them so hard I'd break my wrist. I hate tripping over pavement. I hate flies on my arms. I hate cuts on toes. I hate sweat on the back of necks. I hate oil pastels. I hate v-necks. I hate roll-necks. I hate people that are so fake they can't even see themselves in the mirror anymore. Man.

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2009-06-02T17:24:00.000-07:00

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2009-06-02T17:10:00.000-07:00

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2009-06-02T15:36:00.000-07:00

I'M SORRY BUT YES BRAD PITT, EVERY TIME. GOOD GOD.

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2009-05-28T20:53:00.000-07:00

I have returned to nightwalking.
The moment I stepped foot off my driveway I was driven to tears. I walked across the field, feeling the dampness press through the soles of my shoes. Cold. And, at once, the clarity I had known night after night returned to me. I felt that something I thought I had lost, never to find again, I had found. A white cat, pure white, ran across the road. Every noise, every shriek from the birds, every rustle of leaves - brought back to me. My home. I was home. I felt scared, terrified. As I put on my shoes to leave the house I felt as though I might never come back. So long had I been away from the night, from the crippling, comforting loneliness of night. I felt it would reject me. For so long I had remained in ignorance, knowing of such peace and beauty but choosing to stay away from it. I felt I might be swallowed by the night. My nose began to run. I shivered. I felt a presence coming over me. The presence of the night, I felt it creeping, crawling towards me. I felt sick I felt terror beyond any terror I thought I could feel. I looked down at my sodden feet matted with grass. I wanted the grass to strangle me. My head was telling me that it already was. I was already being strangled. I was choking, drowning. As the day came I sat and waited for its rescue. For the relief it had once brought to me. Striking out the fear the darkness brought. But there was no relief. No feeling of security, only the harsh, stinging brightness of reality. I felt more scared now than ever. The light blinded me. I looked around and I could see everything, right in front of me. Sharp, cruel. The realness of everything I could see. I couldn’t do anything about it I was helpless I couldn’t move. The mist cleared and I saw everything for what it was. Nothing. I lit a cigarette and saw life.

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2009-05-28T20:51:00.001-07:00

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2009-05-28T19:06:00.000-07:00

First week of a new college. First english assignment. Late and clueless but still resourceful. 10th september 2008

One day, I met a strange thing called a ‘Nicola’. The ‘Nicola’ had huge, staring eyes and long, thick, black hair. She was, I’d say, female and around 9ft 2in. She wore stripes from head to toe. I did not know what to make of this long, slightly disturbing, slightly unfortunate creature.
We stood, as though in a Mexican stand off, examining each other. I looked around in search for others of her kind, but she was alone. Then, all of a sudden, the ‘Nicola’ began to leap around, seemingly as part of some tribal dance. She lunged and thrust about in quite a sexual and off-putting manner.
I tried to interrupt this display by immediately verbalising my thoughts, “You are very crude” I asserted. The thing then stopped dancing, I was thoroughly relieved. She laughed and then started shouting. She wasn’t saying much of any coherence, mainly sprouting vulgar terminology and filthy lingo. “Be quiet.” I ordered. The ‘Nicola’ was in hysterics by this point but after receiving the order, fell silent rather abruptly. I looked at her, waiting for her next move, as she waited for mine. A smile spread across her thin face.
The ‘Nicola’ grabbed my hand and before I had chance to stop her, started running (as did I, with no other choice). We ran for what seemed like days, until we reached an amazing building. ‘Nicola’ stopped outside of two large wooden doors, she looked down at me “We are here!” she shouted. I attempted to ask where we were but the ‘Nicola’ did not hear me. I soon learnt that her lack of hearing when it came to my words would occur frequently. The ‘Nicola’ spun around again and again with excitement, her eyes bigger than ever. I tilted my head up and was blinded by a magnificent light. After readjusting my eyes, I looked back to the light, somewhat squinting this time. The light formed letters, a word. I smiled.
“Now that you are here, you will never need anything else in the world!” the ‘Nicola’ screamed, jumping with joy. I smiled half-heartedly, due to partially doubting the strange creature. “But…who are you? What are you?! Do you have a name?” I stuttered. ‘Nicola’ began to speak.
“I am a Nicola, from the caves of Nicolat. Each of my kind must find a place to spend the rest of their lives, but no two Nicola’s must choose the same place. The place must be magical and amazing; like this one. Nicolakind look much like humans and so fit into human life easily and are accepted by all”. I pulled a strange face in disbelief, I wondered how such an odd looking being could fit into human society…despite this she continued. “You may call me Nicola, I have been told that humans say this.”
“I suppose.” This was all very strange to me, but I couldn’t help to feel drawn to the slightly perverted ‘Nicola’. I decided to stay. I learned to love Nicola, though she remained vulgar and disgusting. She even gave me a job at the wonderful place, and while on a shoddy wage, I loved it. Nicola taught me all sorts of valuable life lessons, and we also enjoyed going out dancing.
One day I asked her for some advice, “Nicola, what would you do if you walked in late to your second English class of the year, feeling embarrassed and hungover, to find that you had to write a story, only you didn’t know what about, maybe it had to be about the boy you’d met on Monday or maybe it was just meant to be about anything at all, and even if you knew it had to be about the boy you met on Monday, you hadn’t brought the list of nouns and adjectives you’d made about him with you due to being late and hungover?”
“Well that’s obvious,” she said, I felt hurt and belittled but was keen for the answer nonetheless, “I would simply write about the day on which we met and you first saw the wonders of this amazing, back street shop/café; Oklahoma”.
“What a great idea.”

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2009-05-28T19:01:00.000-07:00

Time flies i swear it.

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2009-05-28T17:48:00.000-07:00

I CAN'T CONTROL IT.
I can't seem to control anything.
I can't control my feelings.
My timing is so off.
Or am I just confused?
Do I even know what i'm feeling?
Do I even know if i'm actually feeling these things?
I feel lost.
I don't know which are right
And which are wrong.
Part of me knows that not all of these feelings are real.
I am fooling myself.
I am making myself think that I want it all.
And making myself feel as though I have nothing.
It's strange, it doesn't feel too bad.
But bad things could happen if I don't get in control.

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2009-05-27T18:43:00.001-07:00

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2009-05-27T18:35:00.000-07:00

The last time I saw my Dad he was in a hospital bed and my Mum told me and my Brother he was sleeping. I remember holding his hand and looking at him and wanting him to wake up so I could talk to him. Earlier this year my Mum told me that he was dead that afternoon, not sleeping. She didn't want to upset me and my Brother. I wish she hadn't told me. I can't remember the last time I saw him alive.

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2009-05-27T18:33:00.000-07:00

The gospel, if there ever was.

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2009-05-27T18:29:00.000-07:00

A grammatically incorrect offer that

me and thompson felt we just couldn't refuse.

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2009-05-27T18:01:00.000-07:00

DRILL THIS INTO YOUR HEAD.
TRY AND STOP CONSUMPTION OF SELF.
BE MORE THAN JUST THAT.
NOT ONLY FOR PEACE OF MIND.
BUT BECAUSE EVERYONE MUST GET REALLY IRRITATED
BY THE LACK OF VARIETY IN TOPIC OF CONVERSATION.

LEARN TO LOVE SELF AND ONE'S COMPANY.
STOP LETTING THOUGHTS STRAY.
STOP LETTING THOUGHTS PERSUADE YOU THAT YOU NEED MORE.
STOP LETTING THOUGHTS TAKE CONTROL.
OR AT LEAST CONTROL YOUR THOUGHTS.
WHEN YOU GET TO A POINT WHERE YOU CAN FEEL SAFE
WHEN YOU GET TO A POINT WHERE YOU CAN FEEL SECURE
IN YOURSELF
OUTSIDE SECURITY WILL GROW.
LOVE WILL FIND YOU.
LOVE WILL NOT COME TO YOU IF YOU DO NOT LOVE YOURSELF.
RESPECT IS GIVEN TO THOSE WITH RESPECT FOR SELF.

PUT THINGS INTO PERSPECTIVE.
DO NOT THINK IN TERMS OF ALL OR NOTHING.
LET THINGS KEEP.
TRAGEDY IS NOT AT HAND.
DWELLING SOUNDS LIKE AN AWFUL WORD
AND TO DWELL IS AN AWFUL THING TO DO.
ACCEPT FACTS.
DO NOT FANTASIZE.
THIS MAKES REALITY SEEM DULL AND DISAPPOINTING.
REALITY ONLY BECOMES THIS IF YOU LET IT.

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2009-05-27T17:59:00.000-07:00

OFF ALEX,

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2009-05-27T17:48:00.000-07:00

STOP LOOKING FOR IT.
IF IT WANTS YOU IT WILL COME TO YOU.
IF IT DOES NOT COME TO YOU THEN IT DOES NOT WANT YOU.
DO YOU WANT SOMETHING THAT DOES NOT WANT YOU?
THINK ABOUT WHY YOU WOULD WANT THAT.
THERE ARE COMPLICATIONS.
IT IS NOT THAT YOU DO NOT WANT TO BE WANTED.
BUT THAT YOU WANT IT TO WANT YOU.
YOU WANT SO BADLY FOR IT TO WANT YOU.
BUT IT WILL NEVER WANT YOU.
AND IF IT DID, WOULD YOU WANT IT THEN?
YOU WAIT AND WAIT AND WANT AND WANT.
FOR IT TO WANT YOU.
BUT WHEN THAT TIME COMES.
WHEN IT DOES WANT YOU.
DO YOU STOP WANTING?
WHAT IS IT THAT YOU WANT?
GET REAL.

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2009-05-14T14:50:00.001-07:00

PAYNE.

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2009-05-14T14:43:00.000-07:00

JEN JEN.

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2009-05-12T17:06:00.000-07:00

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2009-05-12T16:48:00.000-07:00

GEORGE spends Saturday, Sunday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday afternoons in the pub with his friend Derek. He wishes he could spend every afternoon in the pub with Derek. They talk about tomatoes and picture frames. He enjoys Saturday, Sunday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday afternoons thoroughly but on Mondays he works on the tomatoes in his greenhouse and on Thursdays he updates his picture frame collection.

PETER was walking home from the bus stop after a hard day's work as a security guard at tesco. Peter was 48 and had held the same steady job for 27 years. John, a fellow security guard at tesco had been there for 2 months and 3 weeks longer than Peter, and due to this, was head of security. Peter resented John for this and as he turned onto the street where he lived, and was raised, thought about how much of an arsehole John was. 'ARSEHOLE' he shouted when he got into the house. He did this around 3 times a week. He really hated that guy.

'Good morning' ANNE sighed as she heaped her bag and coat onto her desk. 'Good morning' answered Matthew. This had happened close to every single day for the past 3 years, 7 months and 6 days. Now 7 days. Anne and Matthew worked in the same advertising office. Their office, shared by 6 or so others, was identical to countless other city block offices. Matthew had been in love with Anne for the past 3 years, 7 months and 2 days, now 3 days. Anne had loved Matthew the same, give or take a day. Anne always said 'Good morning' and Matthew always replied with 'Good Morning'.

SIMON slammed his £3 pint of lager down on the table and said to Andrew 'I hate this place'. Andrew took a calm sip of his and said 'Well why do we come here everyday then?'. Simon leant back and drank his lager.

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2009-05-12T16:41:00.000-07:00

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2009-05-12T16:15:00.000-07:00

Sunday 26th October 2008.

How is it that I have reached a point in my life where the only thing I look forward to is watching an hour of sex in the city each night? I feel that I am never achieving anything...Just passing time. I always feel tired. Nothing is ever really good. Nothing I do is worth it, I feel like I am surrounded by great, great things, talent and expectations. I am completely seperate from these things. I see the talent and I want it. I want to reach the expectations - beat them. I want to embrace the great things. The truth is, I cannot embrace anything. I want intensity, I want to be overwhelmed, I want my feelings and actions and thoughts to be larger than life. But I'm finding that the only thing I can feel is exhausted. I cannot really think at all. My only thoughts are empty. And my actions...My actions? Do I have any? My actions are sparce and meaningless. I drift through everything.

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2009-05-12T15:59:00.001-07:00

I love my brother so much.

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2009-05-12T15:44:00.000-07:00

Unable to cope with the stress of choosing what to get at a German mcdonalds.

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2009-05-12T15:41:00.001-07:00

CHEERS, ONE ARMED CIG MAN.

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2009-05-12T15:37:00.000-07:00

Comfortable - Comfortable in the sky with the clouds. But the clouds talk. The pillows and the cushions and the sheets and the mattress tell me to leave. “You do not belong here” they say. I believe them and part of me doesn’t want to but part of me is alright with it. I know that if I stay here or even want to stay here then their words will reign true. This place is not permanent, nor is the company, not for me. I look into the faces of the pillows and the cushions and the sheets and the mattress and I see that. This place will not be permanent for anybody. Or maybe it will? Maybe it will for me? But do I want it to be? The pillows and the cushions and the sheets and the mattress have stopped listening to me now. They are ignoring me and covering their ears. They are sick of my voice and I probably am too. They have kicked me out and double locked the door, leaving me with nothing but a souvenir and some bruises.

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2009-05-11T02:18:00.000-07:00

SHY ALEX

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2009-05-07T16:30:00.001-07:00

MOUSE

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2009-04-09T17:59:00.000-07:00

still got hope for the blind.

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2009-04-09T17:38:00.000-07:00

it brings tears to my eyes.

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2009-03-29T13:34:00.000-07:00

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2009-03-06T10:34:00.000-08:00

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2009-03-03T16:33:00.000-08:00

what difference does it make?

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2009-03-02T14:24:00.000-08:00

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2009-03-02T13:02:00.001-08:00

I cannot think. All I can think is that I cannot think. All I can think of writing is that I cannot think. All I can think is that I can only write about my inability to think. Confusion. I am frowning. Frowning as though it will help me think. I cannot feel my feet. I need to find me. I need to find myself and I need to find my mind and I need to find some common ground. I need to find my thoughts and I need to find what I used to be. I cannot move. When I look I cannot see. I do not know what I am seeing. I do not know what I am looking for or where to look. When I walk around things shock me. My body shocks. Electric. I feel as though I am going to break down, shut off, come to a halt, break down, shut off, come to a. What am i doing? Sometimes I see things and they make me smile. And the sunshine makes me feel fresh. Things go right and I climb up. I think about negative things and push them aside. I am proud that I am able to do so. The things still worry me but I do not dwell on them and I wonder how I manage that, but I do not care for the time being. But it is like my head can only put up with enough, so much, just that and then. And then. Lately I feel that I am letting other people have too much of an impact on me. Not an influence but...mind space. Worrying about people, wondering about them, fantasising, contemplating, resenting, lusting, feeling nervous, feeling angry, feeling attracted, feeling obsessive. I do not want to obsess and I constantly tell myself not to but I do not know. I do not know how or why but I do and cannot stop. GET OUT OF MY HEAD. My head is like a bin. It fills up up up with rubbish and then gets emptied.