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my ear is coming off. i think my ear is going to fall off. my head is so itchy. my whole body is itchy. my ear is hot. the left one. yet another opportunity for me to fuck up. fuck up. up. fuck all. i feel like i want to do things and i feel i want to do the things i should be doing and i should take these opportunities and everyone else can so why can't i? why do i make a big deal out of things that other people just get on with? but then the rest, and most, of me feels like i don't care and i can't and i can't be bothered and i can't move anyway and i can't think and i don't want to think. i don't want to do anything. what do i want? i am no good at anything. i keep failing and failing and failing and with so much prospect. so much faith, not of my own but of others. people have faith in me but i have none in them or myself. i have no trust or hope because i know that there is no use in wanting things or even getting them. there is no use being good at anything and doing it. there is no use going to school. going to work. trusting people. trying. no use trusting. no use getting out of bed because it will be cold outside and people will let you down and nothing will ever be good enough. and you won't learn anything that you don't want to and everything and everyone will go and leave. and nothing will ever be okay. and why would anyone want OKAY anyway? so stay in bed and smoke a thousand cigarettes a day and drink a thousand cups of tea and watch a thousand shit tv shows on tv. and never stop feeling shit. and never stop thinking about what you could have done or been or the life you could have led. never stop thinking "if i had just done that, everything would be OKAY". and cry if you can. cry if you can cry anymore. if there are any tears left after the years of crying and sleeping and smoking and deprecating. the trying. the panicking. the despair. the days when it was hard to breathe. when you didn't feel real enough to breathe. the times you hated yourself for not having the guts to die. and the times you hated yourself for not having the guts to live. think back. look back like it's all you've ever done. and it is. it is all you ever do. you dwell in the past not because it was better than the present but because you are sickened that nothing has changed since. everything is the same. everything feels the same. you're still scared and gutless. you're still unreal. you're still a failure. it's still hard. and you're sickened because it will never change. you used to think it would but now after years past, you know there is no way out.

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today i woke up on the floor. i picked myself up and got back into bed. now i cannot move. i realise now that i was on the floor for a reason. my bed had thrown me out in the night because it new what was going to happen. and now i can't even spell knew. the bed knew that if i were to stay in it that i would never be able to get out again. and as i got back into the bed i sealed my own fate. and now i am stuck. now i cannot move. i cannot move myself out of bed. slowly, i can move my arms and legs and though i cannot lift it up, i can roll my head from side to side. but i cannot leave the bed. something is stopping me. i am stopping. i have stopped. i have completely stopped. everything is still going on around me but i cannot see it or hear it and i cannot get out of this bed. something is holding me down.

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"I HAD TO SHIT IN A BOX
IN BIRKENHEAD THIS MORNING.
THE BOX SAID SALFORD ON IT
AND I LEFT IT THERE."

A FRIEND.

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GAG.

SHE WAS ONE OF THOSE GIRLS WHO LIKED TO SEE HOW FAR SHE COULD GO, YOU KNOW. SHE LIKED TO SEE HOW MUCH SHE COULD TAKE. SHE WAS INTO DEEP THROATING. THIS DIDN’T BOTHER ME, AS I CAN IMAGINE IT WOULDN’T BOTHER MOST MEN. ONE NIGHT WE WERE FOOLING AROUND AND SHE STARTED TO GO DOWN ON ME. IT FELT GOOD. HER EYES BULGED IN HER HEAD AS SHE LOOKED UP AT ME AND SPIT RAN DOWN FROM THE CORNERS OF HER MOUTH. I FELT HER TONGUE TENSE UP AND HEARD THE LITTLE GAGGING NOISE AS SHE WENT FURTHER. IT FELT GOOD. SHE SCRUNCHED UP THE SKIN ON MY STOMACH WITH HER LEFT HAND AND HELD MY BALLS WITH HER RIGHT. THEN SUDDENLY SHE STARTED TO JERK A BIT AND THE LITTLE GAGGING NOISE TURNED INTO MORE OF A BURP. SHE PULLED BACK AND I FELL OUT OF HER MOUTH, FOLLOWED BY A BIG SPURT OF VOMIT. SHE HAD PUSHED TOO FAR. SHE HAD VOMITED ON MY PENIS. I LOOKED DOWN AT THE MESS COVERING MY MANHOOD. I LOOKED AT HER. WE SPENT A COUPLE OF MOMENTS LOOKING TO AND FROM EACH OTHER AND MY SICK COVERED DICK. JUST AS I WAS ABOUT TO TRY AND SAY SOMETHING, GOD KNOWS WHAT…”OH DEAR” PERHAPS, SHE HOISTED HERSELF UP WITH HER ARMS AND CLIMBED ON TOP OF ME. WE HAD SEX. AFTERWARDS, THERE WAS NO VOMIT ON MY PENIS. IT MUST HAVE ALL BEEN INSIDE HER, BACK WHERE IT BELONGED. IT WAS THE MOST ENJOYABLE WAY TO CLEAN UP SICK I HAD EVER EXPERIENCED. IT FELT GOOD.

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THANK YOU MY BEAUTIFUL JULIA,

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marge minge.

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Nice photo of me and mim from naked exhibition
taken by the lovely Nicola Payne x

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THANKYOU MIRIAM.

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