Wednesday, 8 October 2008


The revenge of the bacteria.

One day, not so long ago, I woke up to find the lovely little arrival of George and Stewart. Despite the deceiving description, they happened to be big hideous pain balloons – otherwise known as fat ulcers. They seemed to be attached to each other; either that or they were just incredibly close to each other, regardless of which I came to the conclusion that they were Ulcerian lovers. They would not stop in their reproductive mission until my mouth was completely filled with ulcers of their kind – balloon- and looked like one big jelly blob. However, they were quite friendly. I think this was due to the fact that I fed them lovely things such as sugar and pancakes, and did not drown them in ugly Bonjela. Unfortunately, despite their friendliness, they were the source of disgusting pain.

Anyway, after meeting George and Stewart, my pleasant new lodgers, they introduced me to Richard. Richard was small and discreet; he was intellectual and not a party animal like the other two crazy sores. The pain he caused, however, was even more overwhelming than that of the doting couple. He was a charmer though, with his retrouss√© nose and forget me not eyes, Betty would’ve loved him.

It only took a couple of days for Richard to settle in. Everyone was quite happy – painful, but happy. When suddenly, on the way to the gym to shape up for ‘Ulc Dizzle’‘s party, George and Stewart died in a horrible ulcamobile crash. Richard was besieged with anguish. He could do nothing but lament for George and Stewart. He was so horribly depressed that he just couldn’t go on with life. Friends tried to help but he knew what he had to do. He reached up to the medicine cupboard and took out a locked safe. He unlocked the safe to see his destiny; Bonjela. Richard went peacefully, after all of the burning eely pain. My mouth was left in peace though, slightly missing the guys even though they caused me so much pain.

I soon got over my loss and the next day, went to Danielle’s party, as I was in the mood for dancing. Danielle was in the mood for romancing, the little hussy. She liked Calum you see, but that’s another story. We had a jolly night, but by around 4am, while watching ‘Hide and Seek’ with Danielle’s Mother – which, might I add, is not remotely scary - , my nose was going crazy. After finally getting to sleep at 6, I got a lengthy 3 hours rest before being rudely disturbed by an alarm. I awoke to a hideous pain and soon realised that Danielle had kindly passed her lovely cold onto me. My throat felt like there was a small man inside of it…with a chainsaw. The expression ‘sore throat’ was the understatement of the year. Every second spent with this ‘sore’ throat, was hell. I named him Rupert, I felt fully satisfied with this name.

Rupert was pure evil in flu form. He insisted on hurting me, despite me showing him nothing but love. I fed him tablet upon tablet, yet he refused to leave. He made my throat feel as if it was constantly on fire – he really wasn’t a nice guy. Danielle was walking around cold free, yet there I was, full of Rupert. I didn’t know what to do; he kept taunting me, itching my throat, making me sound like a man. However, after a while, I learned to love Rupert and his abhorrent nature – why? I do not know. I began to enjoy seeing the contents of my throat in the sink each morning and coughing until It hurt to gulp; I thought I was falling in love.

One day, I noticed that Rupert had started hanging around with Georgina, inviting her to parties – instead of me -, baking with her, allsorts…it was the day I’d feared for so long. I was involuntarily passing my cold onto Georgina. I did all that I could to try and make Rupert stay, but it was too late, he’d already packed his things, and was getting the bus out of my system and into Georgina’s nose. I felt empty and alone, I missed his phlegmy spirit and itchy cough hugs. Why would he leave me like that? I tried to hold back tears as I watched Georgina and Rupert gallivanting around, as free as a pair of infected lovebirds. I was heartbroken.

Suddenly, while brushing my hair out of my tear filled eyes, I felt something on my forehead. Not just something…some things. I ran to the mirror and, to my disgust, discovered at least twelve of them, a family. Spots. This was it, just when I thought things couldn’t get worse (after Rupert dumped me), these monsters had arrived to ruin my life. They were awful, but my, the variety. There was Sue and Bryan, the proud parents; they were big, but not painful. Then there were the ten kids. Annie, Tom, Horatio, Jimmy, Louise, Violet, Rachel, Peter, Steven and Charlotte: Horatio being the most troublesome. He would force the others into causing off peak pain and itchiness. I spent months scratching and popping the little specimens of pus. They made me writhe with nausea on some occasions.

Until one day, My mother came home and called me to come downstairs. I saw she had something clutched in her hand but took no notice of it. She sat me down and told me she had something to tell me. ‘I have something to tell you’, she said. I sat and waited for her to carry on when I saw her lift her hand up and place what she had previously been grasping, in my hand. I looked down and saw a tube of some kind. ‘It’s about time that family moved out once and for all,’ she looked at me sternly, ‘Use that, quickly.’ I rushed upstairs and went straight into the bathroom, to follow my strict instructions. I looked at the tube. ‘Clearasil’. Of course! Gets skin clear in three days! I smeared the cream generously, all over the ghastly, sickening craters, making sure I put an extra large amount on Horatio. And surely enough, three days later, I awoke to a spotless, pus free forehead.

I went into my Mother’s room to tell her of the good news. After celebrating, I asked her how she thought I should finish this story, she was reading a book and I think she had gotten sick of the background noise that i was inflicting upon her, and just made some sort of growling noise. I took this, not only as I sign that my mother could in fact be a werewolf and could be a very good storyline for my next piece of coursework, but that I should leave. Therefore, I did not get an answer concerning the events that should conclude this story and so it shall be abrupt and unexpected. ‘And then everyone died.’ The end.

1 comment:

geil gobbins said...

just put the ragged ones to bed , this was their bed time story , they liked it muchly