Thursday, 28 May 2009


I have returned to nightwalking.
The moment I stepped foot off my driveway I was driven to tears. I walked across the field, feeling the dampness press through the soles of my shoes. Cold. And, at once, the clarity I had known night after night returned to me. I felt that something I thought I had lost, never to find again, I had found. A white cat, pure white, ran across the road. Every noise, every shriek from the birds, every rustle of leaves - brought back to me. My home. I was home. I felt scared, terrified. As I put on my shoes to leave the house I felt as though I might never come back. So long had I been away from the night, from the crippling, comforting loneliness of night. I felt it would reject me. For so long I had remained in ignorance, knowing of such peace and beauty but choosing to stay away from it. I felt I might be swallowed by the night. My nose began to run. I shivered. I felt a presence coming over me. The presence of the night, I felt it creeping, crawling towards me. I felt sick I felt terror beyond any terror I thought I could feel. I looked down at my sodden feet matted with grass. I wanted the grass to strangle me. My head was telling me that it already was. I was already being strangled. I was choking, drowning. As the day came I sat and waited for its rescue. For the relief it had once brought to me. Striking out the fear the darkness brought. But there was no relief. No feeling of security, only the harsh, stinging brightness of reality. I felt more scared now than ever. The light blinded me. I looked around and I could see everything, right in front of me. Sharp, cruel. The realness of everything I could see. I couldn’t do anything about it I was helpless I couldn’t move. The mist cleared and I saw everything for what it was. Nothing. I lit a cigarette and saw life.

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