Monday, 2 March 2009
I cannot think. All I can think is that I cannot think. All I can think of writing is that I cannot think. All I can think is that I can only write about my inability to think. Confusion. I am frowning. Frowning as though it will help me think. I cannot feel my feet. I need to find me. I need to find myself and I need to find my mind and I need to find some common ground. I need to find my thoughts and I need to find what I used to be. I cannot move. When I look I cannot see. I do not know what I am seeing. I do not know what I am looking for or where to look. When I walk around things shock me. My body shocks. Electric. I feel as though I am going to break down, shut off, come to a halt, break down, shut off, come to a. What am i doing? Sometimes I see things and they make me smile. And the sunshine makes me feel fresh. Things go right and I climb up. I think about negative things and push them aside. I am proud that I am able to do so. The things still worry me but I do not dwell on them and I wonder how I manage that, but I do not care for the time being. But it is like my head can only put up with enough, so much, just that and then. And then. Lately I feel that I am letting other people have too much of an impact on me. Not an influence but...mind space. Worrying about people, wondering about them, fantasising, contemplating, resenting, lusting, feeling nervous, feeling angry, feeling attracted, feeling obsessive. I do not want to obsess and I constantly tell myself not to but I do not know. I do not know how or why but I do and cannot stop. GET OUT OF MY HEAD. My head is like a bin. It fills up up up with rubbish and then gets emptied.