Monday, 19 March 2012
my ear is coming off. i think my ear is going to fall off. my head is so itchy. my whole body is itchy. my ear is hot. the left one. yet another opportunity for me to fuck up. fuck up. up. fuck all. i feel like i want to do things and i feel i want to do the things i should be doing and i should take these opportunities and everyone else can so why can't i? why do i make a big deal out of things that other people just get on with? but then the rest, and most, of me feels like i don't care and i can't and i can't be bothered and i can't move anyway and i can't think and i don't want to think. i don't want to do anything. what do i want? i am no good at anything. i keep failing and failing and failing and with so much prospect. so much faith, not of my own but of others. people have faith in me but i have none in them or myself. i have no trust or hope because i know that there is no use in wanting things or even getting them. there is no use being good at anything and doing it. there is no use going to school. going to work. trusting people. trying. no use trusting. no use getting out of bed because it will be cold outside and people will let you down and nothing will ever be good enough. and you won't learn anything that you don't want to and everything and everyone will go and leave. and nothing will ever be okay. and why would anyone want OKAY anyway? so stay in bed and smoke a thousand cigarettes a day and drink a thousand cups of tea and watch a thousand shit tv shows on tv. and never stop feeling shit. and never stop thinking about what you could have done or been or the life you could have led. never stop thinking "if i had just done that, everything would be OKAY". and cry if you can. cry if you can cry anymore. if there are any tears left after the years of crying and sleeping and smoking and deprecating. the trying. the panicking. the despair. the days when it was hard to breathe. when you didn't feel real enough to breathe. the times you hated yourself for not having the guts to die. and the times you hated yourself for not having the guts to live. think back. look back like it's all you've ever done. and it is. it is all you ever do. you dwell in the past not because it was better than the present but because you are sickened that nothing has changed since. everything is the same. everything feels the same. you're still scared and gutless. you're still unreal. you're still a failure. it's still hard. and you're sickened because it will never change. you used to think it would but now after years past, you know there is no way out.